Slumping through Changes
I’ve got a lot going on right now, but it feels like I’m not accomplishing anything in the process of changing. I’m not following my own resolution very much. There are things in my life I want to change, but it seems like I have to change everything and I’m scared to go on… I exist in a certain level of comfort, but I feel uneasy with where I am. How’s that for contradiction?
I sure wish I was open. I’m such a closed person. I believe I talk so cryptically on here, trying to use metaphors and blanket statements to cover up what I really want to say. I guess part of me hopes that when I read over this later, I’ll remember what on earth I meant and hope that I made some progress since then. It all boils down, however, to the fact that I’m closed to those closest to me. Maybe I fear things will change with them if I open up, if they get to know the real me, my real problems, my real thoughts. However, I need to believe quite the opposite; that friendships and relationships only grow and openness is found and trust deepened. Someone unlock me?
I am tired of a few things though; winter, my bedroom, money, procrastination. Those fleeting moments of pure inspiration when i realize things to do, and have incredible hope for the future don’t drive me as much I need them to; I sacrifice them too quickly to the alter of procrastination and doubt. I don’t feed the fire, I don’t keep them alive. And then I find myself where I am at this moment; full of thought yet full of doubt. Oh to believe and to ACT on that belief! … To make it happen. To just DO IT.
Life is controlled by choices, how we react to situations that are both placed before us and chosen by us. I need to rephrase that… how we ACT to generate situations and choices. That is how we need to live. As I’ve quoted here before, ‘I am the Master of my fate’.